How Gaining Weight actually saved my health
It all started when I was 12 years old. At a sleepover as I was getting my ice cream sundae along with my friends, my friend's mom makes the "beep beep beep", you know the truck backing up sound, and says "watch out girls wide load coming through." Ooof even writing it.. it hurts. That comment was what start of my journey into diets.
At the age of 12 I began to try every kind of diet. This was not unusual or abnormal, as many kids were on diets, in fact my whole family would diet together. What we thought was a health initiative for the family was in truth the development of an eating disorder and exercise addiction for me that would last over 2 decades.
The summer of 8th grade I really wanted to make a "splash", and for me that meant creating a smaller body. For I knew a smaller body would make me more popular. All summer long I would do my mom's "The Firm" video tapes and would eat plain lettuce, yeah not a salad here just lettuce. I did it tho! I finally shrunk my body! I knew this would be the year I wouldn't no longer be bullied or feel like an outcast but finally be accepted by my classmates. So in the morning of the first day of school, with my new outfit on and feeling really cute, my mom helping me with my hair, I felt really weird… sudden dizziness and completely drained. I hear my sister yell something and then suddenly nothing, just black. I passed out. This wouldn't be the last time I passed out due to diets, which should be known as intentional starvation, either. I would pass out later that year after gym class and again in adulthood several times while working out.
You may be thinking, well why wouldn't you just eat?! But, understand that growing up the "big" one in a group of very small body girls can really impact a young girl's body image of herself. Not to mention diet culture, toxic media and images of low rise jeans on unsustainable small ripped bodies, all influencing how I viewed myself, which was gross, unwanted, unlovable. I grew up in the era of body shaming. Everyone was on a diet, every one of my friends' moms were on weight watchers or Jenny Criag, sharing weight loss results and wanting their kids to do the same. Fat free this and that we're hitting the shelves, diets were here to make us healthy and finally in a body worthy of praise and love!
The summer of 8th grade doing those Firm videos I really did fall in love with fitness, but never did I realize how unhealthy my addiction to exercise would become.
When I was 30 again living in a larger body feeling out of place and thinking to myself "How can I be a fitness instructor and not look the part?!" I began the same cycle I was swallowed into at age 12. Suddenly my menstrual cycle was really weird and something didn't feel right with my body. The day of a friend's wedding I had to go to Urgent Care. My exercise and lack of eating was so severe I was wreaking havoc on my system, so much so my body was shutting down. Did I stop here and start to focus on healing? I wish I could look back and say yes! A resounding yes! It's enough, but sadly no.. this cycle would continue for another 4 years.
When I turned 33 I discovered CrossFit. This was gonna be it!! With this "lifestyle" and eating program I would finally have the body I'd be chasing for 2 decades. For 1 year I counted every calorie I consumed, I mean this quite literally, I counted each almond I ate. I hit the gym everyday of the week. Ignored the knee, ankle and hip pain. Ignored the bruises on my body and toenails falling off. Ignored all of this because I was literally shrinking, everything I ever wanted! I finally had a small body, one surely worthy of praise and love. I would post pictures of my 6 pack and LOVED the praise, nothing could compare to those compliments. I finally had the small body. No one would call me a wide load ever again.
But something weird was happening… I still was not happy. How could this be? I have the 6 pack? I can wear the low rise jeans? Diet culture promised me, if I get small enough I'll be happy! They promised! Yet happiness still eluded me. This wasn't fair.. I sacrificed everything. Missed social events so we were not tempted to eat what wasn't on my strict diet. I worked out multiple times a day, through the pain and exhaustion. I was what many people called "determined and hard working." How could I not be happy?
It was at this point I stumbled across Intuitive Eating. As someone who has been controlling food, sacrificing flavor for a low calorie or fat free option. I mean come on, have you ever tried fat free ranch dressing,🤢. So now I'm reading "I can I eat what I want when I want? I can take rest days from exercise?" This can't be right. Who are these dietitians who came up with this and how can a Licensed Dietician be so against everything I know and was raised on.
I thought well let me try it, I've tried everything else and still haven't found what I'm looking for. So I bought the book, and I read the articles. Asking me not to count calories… This was going to be hard as this was how I knew food to be, not delicious or to be enjoyed, but a numerical figure. So began my journey to become an Intuitive Eater. This was not an easy journey. In fact it is very scary. Over 2 years I tried to be more mindful around food. Eating when I feel hungry, not at scheduled times, stop when full, not binging food in secret. Take rest days from exercises when my body is tired. Of course my body started growing, this was mentally devastating to me. But something else was happening. I was actually enjoying moving, not doing it for the caloric burn or to change my body shape but actually having fun! I did less intense exercises because they were genuinely fun!! Like rebound classes, gentle yoga, and recovery exercises. Food, oh food.. I would use the called for ingredients, not the low calorie version, and suddenly food became sooo delicious! I enjoyed cooking, baking, and eating 😁 I was discovering a self that had nothing to do with my body's shape or size but everything to do with who I am.
Here we are at age 36, 2 years have passed into Intuitive Eating and body image healing. I have no clue what I weigh as I haven't weighed myself in over 2 years, I know that may sound bizarre as someone who for decades was obsessed with that number, often weighing in 3x a day. I did go up 3 sizes and although I thought it would be catastrophic and world ending to me, gaining weight actually turned out to be a good thing. I was actually becoming healthier. I haven't passed out in years, my menstrual cycle is normal and healthy and my organs are doing great and functioning well. Although I've done a lot of damage over the years, our bodies are incredibly resilient and capable of healing. The mental aspects, especially with body image, have been the hardest to heal from. Never did I think I could be happier in a not small body and won't lie there are definitely days I don't love my body and nor do I love everything about it, but I have come to appreciate my body and what it does for me. A genuine relationship with my body and not being afraid of it or wanting to change it, I truly appreciate her. No longer controlled by constant body shaming and food related thoughts, but able to spend my days enjoying different foods, flavors and ways to move this wonderful body I am so blessed to be in.
So if now you are curious if it's time for you to get out of diet culture and find a way to food freedom and appreciating and caring for you body, let me ask you this, maybe your story sounds a lot like mine, maybe just a little or not at all, but we all have diet stories and I invite you to take a moment and reflect on what diets have given you? Take a moment… perhaps weight loss and that's what shouts the loudest, but if that diet really worked would you have ever had to do it a 2nd, 3rd or 4th time? What did you miss out on while dieting? There is usually a cost to diets and it's up to us to see if it's a cost we want to keep paying or if we'd like to get off that merry go round (diet - lose - binge - gain - repeat) and finally make peace with food. I promise you, you won't regret letting go of forced restrictions and enjoying food and movement for the wonderful gifts they are.
If you are in a body capable of movement, please find ways to move joyfully. If you are still in diet culture and miss out on social events, or are consumed with food thoughts, or tired of the weight loss/gain cycle, please start your journey to becoming an intuitive eater. I wish I could tell little 12 year old Beth, "you are beautiful just as you are, and worthy of enjoying a full life."
It's never too late to bail on what doesn't serve us and actually focus on our true health and happiness.
